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ok, I will get the book but if I stay in the marriage, with or without the younger man then it will still be as empty as it ever was and I am still dieing.

How can I make him care for me and give me what I need? I am not demanding but I can not get the smallest thing from him not even a hug. I am tired of his fits and his trying to keep me even from going to Church.

I am already dieing so what is the point in staying with him?

A lot has happen in the last couple of days. Let me thank you for your posts and your prayers. Without them I would have turned complete.

Two days ago the man asked me to his house while his wife was at his ma's to look at wallpaper ideas. I didn't go but told him I would go the next day, which was yesterday.

The night before I had a dream. I was at the altar in my Church and I was seeking God. He came up and kissed me on my neck. I kept seeking God. He kissed me again, and I knew that I could either turn around and embrase him or take a step forward and keep seeking God. I took the step forward.

I cry as I tell you that in my dream the younger man disappeared as I stepped forward. Is that something? I feel like God was saying, as I stood in the Church that my sins will find me out. That I cant have it both ways, I could either turn or step forward. I know my marriage still stinks but I could not turn completely. I did not kiss this man or even embrase him in a lustfull way, except in my heart and in my plans. I have been more than wickid. I rememebr the verse about silly women laden with lust and saw myself. How silly. How embarasing to see how stupid I might look to others to.

What else? I was at the altar. Was I taking this to Gods face, to his holy place? My sin? yes I think I was because it is marriage, maybe we do with all sins I dont know.

And today I heard a song by Mercy Me

Take this world from me, I don't want it anymore
I am finally free, my heart is spoken for

and I did not even know I was binding myself until I read some of your posts who had been there. Now I am free when I thought I was seeking freedom all along. Such a lie. Do you understand?

And my heart is spoken for. How could I forget that? How could I forget that he has bought me? Now I will keep taking those steps forward and really the way I think about this man has changed in that instant. I will keep my mind on Christ. I am not saying that I wont struggle at times, I dont' know. I am not struggling now so maybe I wont ever but I am saying that i will never entertain those thoughts again. I will never turn at the altar instead of stepping forward. You know, the dream was true, I was in a place where I had to make either turn or step forward. Such a small step such a big step.

Thanks to those two who wrote to my inbox and understood and let God touch my heart. You are true brothers and sisters. Reminds me of the snatching out of the fire and I am eternally gratful.

Now I just typed in my name (someonesalready) and it means so much knowing that I am his and he is mine. Seems like all of this has had a prophetic edge.Bless God!